an estranged friend of mine is dying. i've been contemplating whether i need to contact him, and yes is winning. you'd be surprised how many people in my life with whom i've shared my quandry, whose judgement i respect, seem to have cold hearts, but maybe they're right, i should leave him alone, examine my motivations for wanting to reach out.  
so i did examine my motivations, and like a mother i want him to know he is loved, no matter what.  that is the simple part.  my horoscope this week complimented my ability to love w/o complication.  that affirmation feels really right and really good.
i haven't done anything wrong, i drew a firm boundary when it was required.  i haven't failed, but part of me believes we don't walk away from those who act badly.  you know, like to tribes who encircle their misfits and demand responsibility, sharing the positive attributes of that person, their contributions; a community court, or throwing the offender in a strong river to incent their spirit to fight to live.

today i am at peace about our movement towards the light.  we'll be okay.  look around.

what would it feel like to be on your deathbed? what would matter? what would you want to express? what would you want to hear, feel?
think of it. the sunshine, grass hissing in a wind, warm sand, shiny steel pots, exertion, distress even. magnolia blossoms in spring evenings.  moonlight. your child's hand, a lover's eyes, a friend's touch. laughter.

yesterday i took the truth serum, it was wonderful and still have a mental hangover. forgot to breathe. began again.

me & my son, by lisa tharpe 2011

the donut is only the prop, the pretense

what are the uncountable distractions, props we use to get closer to the heart of the matter?  it is not the donut that i want. i want the yoga.  

years go by. i'm using restraint, practicing humility, adventure, dreaming, acceptance.  flowing like water. consulting the iching. gratitude is present except for m-f 745-810am.  many new loves, and conflicts, and good times.  
it is amazing what one can do with the breath.  it can be a vision, a sensation, a longing, nick cave singing into my arms.  it centers. it eludes. we practice. we get to practice breathing.