dreams, waking, series

dreams:

1. holding tight to mountain lioness.
2. being together in like a straw lined wagon with father and [step] sister.
3. carrying an Egyptian goddess to an alter during a ritual; what is the ritual? am i doing it right?

waking:

1. staring at you, smiling.
2. tickle contests with the self proclaimed 'black belt in tickling.'
3. hugging housemate; and, affection, affection, affection.

reason

i want us to move into this space together, but you are hesitating.

i let you go.

reasons:
i want to do what feels right, to be safe and clear and strong, to be in integrity, to define my individual needs without distraction, without depending on someone outside myself to create happiness, satisfaction, or the ability to take care of myself alone.

in doing so, i felt drop away all of what 'everyone else' thinks is right. everything else is superficial. i will wait. i will allow. and i will fight for what i want. i will remember gratitude and abundance and infinite creativity as my natural states.

reason was wrong. i just threw the bolt that split myself in two.

heart is what matters.

this is what love looks like

you get to imagine it

Blowing My Cover

Peace.

It was the second hardest abstract concept to reconcile when asked to comment on the Quaker testimonies for my child's school application. Why? Peace. The first, more difficult to apply was Equality, which exists in the universe, but not in the actions of men, nor perhaps in the course of nature. Though somehow, those being unseparate, nature is beyond justice, is just.

Peace.

We are all, those of us who enjoy emotional awareness, viscerally present to sways, ups, joys, rivers of beauty, rushing flooding drowning gutters of pain, drifting, aimless, drive, determination, creation and follow thru. And wishing we could crawl back into our mother's arms and cry and be held and be safe. But where is peace in these?

So, like sometimes you will have a query, you might be searching for an answer, and all the wisdom and guidance points to the easiest way, which is Truth, What Is.  And then you might smile a little smile internally and think, I know. I know.

~ * ~

There's more. So like Amy Winehouse. She's dead, right? She don't care. But what'd she do? She EXPRESSED HERSELF, truly. She just sang. She drank. She videoed and got herself all fine looking and created art 'cause she couldn't do anything else. How fine is that.  Right? Like we could all be so lucky.

Okay fuck I gotta get back to work.

ALTLIFE

the blows. rafts. skies they say are dropping poison, and from within. we eat it like it's nectar, so hungry. then they say spit it out. it's killing you. so you gotta take all that shit you've been given and fast, and float. bounce.      

change = death

home is where the heart is. love doesn't die. it's like a law or something.

the orchid thief, d'ya ever see that? that character played by nicholas cage (he plays both twin roles) says to the other self: i loved you. that was my love. i didn't need anything back from you.

so on love, love and change, the only guarantees, no one can take what is yours away from you.

five friends circled me today. all offered laughter, open eyes.

only god can judge me * 2pac

looking through one eye

yesterday i got a text message from my son. it said, "i love u momy.  coll me in the morning. write a story."
i woke up, dreaming but not remembering dreams, rolled out of bed. i want to write the lyrics to the song from hedwig and the angry inch, origin of love. i want that to be the story today. i already wrote about this years ago in this blog. how the gods got afraid 'of our strength and defiance' so "they cut us down the middle, cut us right down in half," that's called pain. "cuts a straight line right through the heart, we call it love. so we wrapped our arms around each other, trying to shove ourselves back together, we were making love."

what is life but all this? there is nothing to resist. we are whole. love reminds us this. love, and pain. we are not angels. we are angels. we are all of it, we are connected. there is nothing that isn't inside us, nothing inside us that isn't inside each of us. the rose does not lament its thorns.

so i will reiterate, the same sentiment, in a different way. (i learned this from my long time friend and lover, partner in parenting, to repeat, only different.)  and i already said this too in this blog, pretty sure, that when i was in a birthing class, the group leader said, your heart is going to split wide open. and it did. it does. every time we let ourselves love, feel pain, feel loss, feel love, feel gratitude, feel impossibility, we are in love. this is our birthright.

friendship, art, redwoods, fire, stone, freedom

on change

i am thinking about loss.
(the hardest thing a mother can do is know that she did not do right by her child.)
forgiveness.
loneliness. i wonder if my mom was lonely.

a good friend of mine, young man, shared his thoughts on this matter. we try to forgive what a parent maybe, or someone else we love, has done to or not done to us that hurt us.  that tore us apart.
we forgive because if we don't, we aren't free to love anymore.

this friend echoed one of my thoughts: we'll have a party. what is not a celebration, loss, becomes a celebration, change.

THANKS, GIANT HANDS, FOR HOLDING ME

For Mary, Wing, Patti Smith

I was a wing in Heaven blue

Soared over the ocean, soared over Spain

And I was free, I needed nobody

It was beautiful, it was beautiful

I was a pawn didn't have a move

Didn't have nowhere that I could go

But I was free I needed nobody

It was beautiful, it was beautiful

And if there's one thing

Could do for you

You'd be a wing in Heaven blue

I was a vision in another eye

And they saw nothing, no future at all

Yet I was free I needed nobody

It was beautiful, it was beautiful

And if there's one thing

Could do for you

You'd be a wing in Heaven blue

don't even know what day it is

gave pack of american spirits away tonight. wtf.
shit's bad for me.

breakfast in sebastopol; lunch at beach with rocks with holes; dinner in the castro. 

friends' words today:
go slow (fela kuti via instagram)
/
it is what it is
/
i miss all of you

you know how the morning always brings clarity

sun = light

light = love

love = patience

patience = surrender

surrender = egodeath

= love

= oneness

= truth

george michael father figure

Music, again, thank you

that's all i wanted, something special, something sacred

we sat across the table from each other, i am crying, i hold her hand, understand me

this is your captain speaking

 we are in a holding pattern; we will be hovering over the landing strip of love until we receive clearance from the control tower. enjoy your flight.

i dreamed i saved a young girl from drowning, in a calm sea

January 9, 2013

The stars aligned and it's like being pelted with light. It hurts. 

India Arie's album Acoustic Soul is one of my soundtracks for last year. Check out the song Beautiful, and the song Ready for Love.