change = death

home is where the heart is. love doesn't die. it's like a law or something.

the orchid thief, d'ya ever see that? that character played by nicholas cage (he plays both twin roles) says to the other self: i loved you. that was my love. i didn't need anything back from you.

so on love, love and change, the only guarantees, no one can take what is yours away from you.

five friends circled me today. all offered laughter, open eyes.

only god can judge me * 2pac

looking through one eye

yesterday i got a text message from my son. it said, "i love u momy.  coll me in the morning. write a story."
i woke up, dreaming but not remembering dreams, rolled out of bed. i want to write the lyrics to the song from hedwig and the angry inch, origin of love. i want that to be the story today. i already wrote about this years ago in this blog. how the gods got afraid 'of our strength and defiance' so "they cut us down the middle, cut us right down in half," that's called pain. "cuts a straight line right through the heart, we call it love. so we wrapped our arms around each other, trying to shove ourselves back together, we were making love."

what is life but all this? there is nothing to resist. we are whole. love reminds us this. love, and pain. we are not angels. we are angels. we are all of it, we are connected. there is nothing that isn't inside us, nothing inside us that isn't inside each of us. the rose does not lament its thorns.

so i will reiterate, the same sentiment, in a different way. (i learned this from my long time friend and lover, partner in parenting, to repeat, only different.)  and i already said this too in this blog, pretty sure, that when i was in a birthing class, the group leader said, your heart is going to split wide open. and it did. it does. every time we let ourselves love, feel pain, feel loss, feel love, feel gratitude, feel impossibility, we are in love. this is our birthright.

friendship, art, redwoods, fire, stone, freedom

on change

i am thinking about loss.
(the hardest thing a mother can do is know that she did not do right by her child.)
forgiveness.
loneliness. i wonder if my mom was lonely.

a good friend of mine, young man, shared his thoughts on this matter. we try to forgive what a parent maybe, or someone else we love, has done to or not done to us that hurt us.  that tore us apart.
we forgive because if we don't, we aren't free to love anymore.

this friend echoed one of my thoughts: we'll have a party. what is not a celebration, loss, becomes a celebration, change.

THANKS, GIANT HANDS, FOR HOLDING ME

For Mary, Wing, Patti Smith

I was a wing in Heaven blue

Soared over the ocean, soared over Spain

And I was free, I needed nobody

It was beautiful, it was beautiful

I was a pawn didn't have a move

Didn't have nowhere that I could go

But I was free I needed nobody

It was beautiful, it was beautiful

And if there's one thing

Could do for you

You'd be a wing in Heaven blue

I was a vision in another eye

And they saw nothing, no future at all

Yet I was free I needed nobody

It was beautiful, it was beautiful

And if there's one thing

Could do for you

You'd be a wing in Heaven blue

don't even know what day it is

gave pack of american spirits away tonight. wtf.
shit's bad for me.

breakfast in sebastopol; lunch at beach with rocks with holes; dinner in the castro. 

friends' words today:
go slow (fela kuti via instagram)
/
it is what it is
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i miss all of you